Mail your confession along with five dollars to me, Jesus,
P.O. Box 38, FDR Station, New York.
Tell Jesus your secret.
Yes, that's very troubling.
Thanks for calling me on a Sunday.
I promise you, we will handle this with Kevin immediately.
- Kevin, you lying sack of shit! - What?
We'll return to Jesus and the Bible Buddies after these messages.
This Friday, Colt gets it on with death on an all new Colt Luger.
Colt's investigation leads him to a cathouse.
Beat it, gumshoe. I'm trying to earn a living.
The world's oldest profession.
Prostitution?
Smacking broads.
Danger wears a D-cup.
This week, on an all new Colt Luger.
I was watching that.
No, you weren't. And now you're not.
OK, little man, come on outside.
Yeah, Dad?
How would you like to go to a football game in the city with your old man?
Wow, yeah!
I thought you were taking Kevin.
Yeah, he's not going now.
- When did he decide that? - Just now when I told him.
This shit took me all morning! You promised you were gonna take me!
Well, you lied to me!
You gave me your word saying you were working on those history assignments,
and all of a sudden, I get a call from your teacher
saying you haven't done a single one!
It's history! It's not going anywhere!
When I get home tonight, I want to see half of those assignments completed,
or as God is my witness, I will put you through that fuckin' wall!
We're outside, genius! There is no wall!
Then I will build one and I will fucking put you through it!
Would you please stop screaming
in front of the entire neighborhood?!
Don't worry, I didn't hear anything.
I heard, but I didn't understand it.
Sorry, Susan, but your son is no good.
You're not man enough to live up to your agreement, so Bill gets to go to the game.
That's final! He's a man. He finished all his homework!
- I didn't have any. - Shut up and get in the car.
And you get in the house!
Hey, Frank. You taking a Sunday drive?
Going to a game in the city, Vic.
Sweet, man.
A boy and his dad spending the day together,
that is some salt of the earth stuff.
I got tickets too!
But I can't go, 'cause I got one sick Izzie here.
He got into by booger sugar, and now he thinks he's a dinosaur.
- Can you dig it? Crazy, man. - Yeah, watch your toes.
Rock on, my brother!
That's it, Dad. Drive away like a chickenshit dildo!
- What did you say? - Nothing.
- That's what I thought. - So unfair!
Well, Kevin, you made your bed.
Not yet, but I will!
God, get off my back!
Don't you talk to me that way!
Now look who's screaming in front of the whole neighborhood!
Still didn't hear anything.
I hate my goddamn life!
Stupid lipstick.
Look, honey, I know you're upset at your dad.
He's such a jerk.
He's a bigger Hitler than Mr. Hitler's brother, Hitler!
- Wait, who? - It's not fair!
Kevin, you lied to us, and you need to grow up.
Look, Maureen and I are going shopping, and while we're gone,
I fully expect you to get your assignments done.
I'll see you in a few hours.
Humph.
I need to get toasted, now.
Billy, you are gonna love this.
You and me, the Murphy men. You're excited, right?
- Sure, Dad. - 'Course you are. This is incredible.
Your first game and you're sitting on the 50-yard line in corporate seats.
Are you kidding me? At your age? Do you realize how lucky you are?
- Yeah. - Jesus, I wish I had me for a dad.
Hey, grab me a cold one out of the cooler. There you go.
You're up, little man. Hold the wheel.
You're gonna love the stadium. The field is so green!
And I got a great shortcut to get us there.
Put the lock down.
I'll tell you, this is gonna be great.
- Shouldn't we help that guy? - No. Do not make eye contact.
Hey, my main man. I ran outta gas.
Don't make eye contact.
Can you help a brother out?
Shit, I made eye contact.
Don't kill me! I have a family!
Fucking asshole!
What a day. I told you it was gonna be great?
Just you and me, buddy. This'll be a day you will remember forever.
That looks so fun!
Why do I have to go with you?
Stop pouting. You and I are gonna have lots of fun today.
We get to see the new mall,
and buy supplies for my Plast-A-Ware party.
- Why? - Because it's Mommy's job.
Daddy says moms only work when the husband's in jail.
Daddy...sometimes says things he doesn't mean.
And I love my job.
How much money do you make?
Well, they pay me in free Plast-A-Ware bowls.
Is there money in the bowls?
I better watch the road.
Wait till you see this. You ready?
- You ready? - I'm ready.
- Here we go. - Wow!
Didn't I tell ya? It's a cathedral.
Aren't these seats great?
We're so close. I can see the ash on the quarterback's cigarette.
Hey, you gonna tell your friends about this tomorrow,
about what a great old man you got?
- Sure, Dad. - Of course you will.
- All right, Rustys! - Whoo-hoo!
Excuse me, but I believe you're in my seats.
No, no, no. These are ours, pal. Keep it moving.
Here, I'll show you the tickets.
Get those outta my face. These are company seats, pal.
They belong to Mohican Airways. Do you see that? Mohican Airways.
Do you belong to Mohican Airways?
I am Mohican Airways! I'm Roger Dunbarton, the CEO.
Mr. Dunbarton!
Mr. Dunbarton, I'm so sorry. Frank Murphy, baggage department.
Take your hat off, Bill.
Murphy, yes. You recently got promoted.
Bob Pogo's been singing your praises.
That is when that whale isn't singing the "Oscar Meyer Weiner Song."
- Get out of my seats. - Yes. Yes, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Bill, you're in the man's seat.
Stopped on the Piledriver 31-yard line.
Mr. Dunbarton... may I say it is an honor...
- Dad, can I get a pennant? - Yeah, yeah. Here you go. Get two.
Mr. Dunbarton, can I buy you a beer?
That horse piss is for peasants.
On this side of the tracks, we drink private stock.
We're drinking brandy, and my name is Brandy!
Isn't that funny?
It's very funny, Brandy.
- Yeah. - It's hilarious.
Right?
Yes. Yes!
Everyone laugh at my wife's funny joke.
Laugh, damn you!
Sit down!
Splifter time!
Yah, mon, let's clean them ganja seeds
before daylight comes and me wanna go home.
Where'd you get that queer album from, your Dad's asshole?
It's the first double album I grabbed. Leave me alone.
Just busting you.
When I was little, my parents put this on every Sunday after dinner.
Like they were Mr. and Mrs. Liberace or some shit.
You're bumming me out! Let's blaze.
My dad is such a hard-ass.
He's breaking my balls 'cause I'm flunking history.
Who needs to learn about shit that already happened?
If they had a class called "future," I'd be all over it.
Yeah, man.
In the future, you won't even have to study.
You just take a smart pill.
I would totally overdose on those.
Can you point me to the bargain basement?
I'm recently separated. I don't think he ever loved me.
God, not her.
Maureen, honey, let's go play with the pots and pans.
- Mommy, why are you pulling me? - Sue?
- Sue Murphy? - Fuck me.
Ginny, hi!
It's so good to see you. I'd love to talk, but...
Thank you. My own mother won't even listen to me.
Um...
Honey, here's some pennies.
Go make a wish in the fountain in front of the organ store.
All right!
Thank you, Sue. You're such a good friend.
Yes, well, I don't have a whole...
It all began on the honeymoon.
And that's the end of the first half!
The Piledrivers: 39, your Rustys: two.
I don't want to brag, sir, but since I took over the department,
I already found that stair car that was missing since last fall.
Good for you. You know, I once did a shift in the baggage department
just to see what it was like, mix in with the fellas.
- Really? - Good God, no!
It's a hell of a thing that happened to Ed, wasn't it, Frank?
Yeah. Terrible, terrible.
Do you know how much it costs to replace one of those propellers?
- No. - Neither did I, until Ed walked into one.
You see, Frank, in business,
it's the unforeseen expenses that can cripple a company.
Get that goddamn finger out of my face!
- Dad, my soda! - Nice throw, sir!
Frank, the last thing this company needs is a strike.
When will these employees learn that we're all pulling together?
There's a lot of factors, sir,
and these guys, you know, they work really hard.
Now listen to me. You're not their friend anymore, you're their boss!
They need to fear you.
They need to know that you can fuck their wife better than they can.
- OK. - I like you, Frank.
- Just don't ever cross me. - I would never do that, sir.
Good. I think that God, in His infinite wisdom,
fed Ed's face into that propeller
so that you would be in this football stadium on this day with me.
You have been anointed, Frank.
Don't let me, or God, down. Same thing.
Dad, will you take me to the bathroom?
Not now, I'm being anointed.
I really have to go.
I'll take him. Follow me.
Don't buy a hot dog, Brandy. You're gettin' fat.
- You. - I mean it.
I'll cut you off!
Fuck him, I'll eat what I want!
What a dick!
Shit-cock!
Fuck that guy!
Bullshit.
- Hey, move it. - ...my fuckin' dick...
Goddamn stall!
- Hey, man, you're taking too long. - I'm taking a shit!
- Who pissed on this?! - Should've gone for it.
Yeah.
I have a question. If you had to screw a First Lady, who would it be?
- I know. - And you can't say "Jackie Kennedy."
If I can't say "Jackie Kennedy," I quit.
She's so sad.
Stupid record.
- Let's play catch, Daddy. - You betcha, Kevin.
Remember this wonderful day,
because there might be a time when you're older and we're not getting along so good,
and you'll remember that the most important thing in life
is that I'll always be your father.
And I'll always love you, no matter what.
And you don't want to be with Jackie Kennedy
because she was married to President Kennedy,
and he fucked everybody.
I love you, Daddy.
I'm sorry things got so messed up.
Kevin's tripping!
I gotta get my act together.
Starting right...
- The cops! - Let's get outta here!
No woman should spend Valentine's Day night driving all over the city,
searching for her husband.
Wow, it's five o'clock and...
We hadn't had sex facing each other for seven years.
Dad, I'm cold.
I need the window down. It helps me think.
Wasn't this a great day? We had fun together, right?
Yeah. You spent a lot of time with the grown-ups.
No, no, no, those weren't just any grown-ups, son.
I made a powerful friend today.
Do you know who that... Do you know who that Mr. Dunbarton is?
That is the owner of Mohican Airways. The big chief.
A man to be reckoned with.
He spent the last quarter sleeping in his wife's lap.
And now he knows who I am,
and he's trusting your father to smooth over this whole strike situation.
I'm important.
I have been anointed...
...a titan of transportation!
Shit. Did your mother drive this?
- Roll the windows up, Bill. - I thought you needed to think.
I'm done thinking! Roll them up!
Man! I don't want to go to juvie!
My mom is gonna kill me!
It's hard to run! I can't feel my feet!
Come on, let's go!
Hey. I gotta go back.
- You what? - I left my wallet there.
So I gotta go back for it. Wait for me here.
Shit! Son of a bitch!
Where is it?
- Hey! Come over here! - Shit!
Come on!
I just need gas, have a heart!
I fought in Korea!
- Get outta the road! - Fuck you, lady!
Dad, maybe we should walk to a gas station.
I saw one a few blocks back.
Bill, this isn't a good neighborhood, OK?
Five blocks here is like a thousand in our neighborhood.
Christ, we'd be better off drilling into the ground.
Yo, Frank. Frank Murphy!
- Rosie? - What the hell are you doing down here?
You know, we were just coming from the game and...
Man, get your Irish ass inside before you freeze.
Hey, go to Texaco and get my friend some gas, all right?
You guys come on in.
When the fuck did I become the gas guy?
Hey, get this man some coffee.
Yo, kid, the bathroom's over there if you need it.
I'm OK.
Hey, Rosie, why'd you bring that cracker in here?
Relax, he's cool man, he's cool.
- Shit, man, dude look like a cop! - They all look like cops!
Yeah, I guess we do. Everybody put your hands up!
Not in here, Frank.
Waterbridge Mall is now closing. Thank you.
I tried so hard to please him. I did everything he asked.
I cut my hair short, I put on aftershave, but he wouldn't touch me.
I...I don't know, Ginny.
I even put a hot quarter up his ass.
Ginny, stop! The mall is closing.
I've got to find Maureen and go home and make dinner.
Well, excuse me.
I am so sorry that my life falling apart has inconvenienced you.
Ginny...
Why'd I even bother talking to you at all?
You can't understand how I feel, with your perfect life.
And your beautiful kids.
My life isn't perfect, okay?!
Outside of being a wife and a mother, I've got nothing!
I sell plastic that I cry into!
We've all got our shit to carry, Ginny!
Sometimes I wish I'd never got married!
Do you ever stop thinking of yourself?
Is that true, Mommy?
Put those coins back in the fountain.
Dad, I don't see any John Denver records.
Just keep looking, kid... about 100 blocks north of here!
This is an all-black neighborhood.
So anyway, I had no sick days left. No personal time, right?
Frank Murphy covered my whole shift
so I could go to the hospital to see my daughter be born.
It was an honor, and I asked nothing in return.
So how's my little goddaughter, Frankalina?
- This guy! - This guy!
- I fucking love this guy! - To Frank Murphy.
Best friend a luggage jockey ever had.
With you on our side, man,
Bob Pogo can take his cutbacks and shove 'em up his fat, bacon-eatin' ass.
That's right, that's right!
Yeah, and the football tickets he gave us weren't that good anyway.
- What, say what? - Nothing, nothing.
Bob Pogo gave my dad the corporate seats today,
but we had to share 'em with Mr. Dunbarton.
He likes my dad a lot.
Kept talking to him the whole time about how to scare employees.
Dunbarton?
OK, yeah, yeah. Bob gave me the corporate seats,
but I had to take 'em.
But I'm still with you. Meeting Dunbarton gave me the chance
to put a human face on the baggage handlers' union.
Which face am I talking to now?
Your gas is here, man.
You're welcome.
Hey!
It's your neighbor, Mr. Holtenwasser.
Kevin, it is cold. Let me take you home.
Thanks, but...
Please, I insist.
Hop in.
Dad, are you mad at me for telling your friend about the tickets?
Nah. It's my fault anyway.
I'm sorry today didn't turn out the way you'd hoped.
It's OK. Can I ask you something else?
- 'Course you can. - This strike thing at work,
how can you be on the boss' side and your friend's side?
You can't.
Hang on, I'm not done yet.
- Well, didn't you go at the game? - Hell, no!
Why'd you make me put the coins back?
Because it was stealing.
But it was my wish.
Well, not all wishes come true.
Like your wish that you never got married?
No. I didn't...No.
That's not...I said that, but I didn't really mean it.
I was, you know, just trying to make Ginny feel better.
So when I heard Daddy say he wished he never got married,
who was he trying to make feel better?
I will be sure to ask him that.
It's nice to finally speak to you, Kevin.
I've watched you grow for years.
What? Like, through the curtains or...
On the street, at play.
Did you know I was the first homeowner in the subdivision?
Well, me and my wife.
Her name was Mary.
Was a nurse in the U.S. Army hospital at...
Holy shit, it's my dad!
Shit!
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!
Have a wonderful evening!
There is something I really need to ask you.
Sue, for Christ sake. I've had a hell of a day.
Have you been drinking? Has he been drinking?
Don't make me snitch on him!
- That means yes. - Give me a break.
I was at a football game. What do you want from me?
You back already?
Wow, you're really studying.
Yeah, sure am. Like crazy.
Did you know there were two World Wars?
I haven't heard this music in...
A very long time.
I always liked it, too.
Why'd you play this now?
Just wanted to hear something sucky.
It's better than your "Elfin King" bullshit!
That is enough!
We love each other!
We've been apart all day and now we are gonna spend the evening together,
as a family.
Bobby, I asked you to mow the lawn.
I did mow the lawn, Dad.
But the grass is just as high as it was, Bobby.
Golly! You meant mow our lawn!
Bobby!
Hey, guess what I found out today?
We were all wrong about our neighbor, you know, Mr. Hitler?
- Yeah? - Yeah.
He's not a Nazi.
He's got one of those weird stars hanging from his rearview mirror.
He's a Satan worshiper!
Holy crap!
- Pretty great? - Hey! I spent 700 bucks on a TV
so I could watch a family being happy.
So zip it.
Tonight, I unveil the first
of my six-part series: To Be Black In Today's America.
I witnessed firsthand the silent scourge of racism as,
disguised as a typical inner-city Negro,
I tried in vain to find help for my disabled vehicle.
Not a single Caucasian driver stopped to assist me, a black man.
Hey, my main man, I ran outta gas. Can you help a brother out?
Don't kill me, I have a family!
There you have it: the face of racism in America today.
Man, you think you know a guy.
This day gets curiouser and curiouser.
Hey, it's me. We can't trust Frank Murphy to help us out.
It's time for the union to set a strike date.
No, obviously, I don't know what time it is!